Life in 3 months

Life since I've been back from Swazi has been a roller coaster emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally. Let's see where to start.

Well, we can start physically. As most of you know, when I came home from Swazi I was EXTREMELY sick (I think even that is an understatement) but for those who are unaware, I had severe double pneumonia and upper respiratory infection. Fluid was entering my lungs quickly and the doctor told me on August 2 (Saturday) that had I waited until August 4 (Monday) to see my normal doctor, I would have drowned myself. I was given the option to go on bed rest or go straight to the ER. Although the intelligent choice would have been hospital, since I had just been home 2 hours from being gone 2 months, I chose bed rest. I have had a doctors appointment every month since I've been home (well, 2 in August so 4 in 3 months), plus 3 trips to the doctor for x-rays, I just got the call that my pneumonia still is NOT gone (which I knew) and so I have to have a CT scan done (with and without contrast) and see a pulmonary specialist. My general physician (who's been great) said that medication is not working and we need to go in and figure out what Africa did to me! :) I will say though, that the pain (although its intense), because its been there for 3 months, seems normal to me know. I have forgotten what it feels like to yawn and feel relief instead of momentarily being paralyzed from pain; I have forgotten what a sneeze feels like without before and after pain of feeling like my chest will implode at any moment. This has become my normal.

Let's go mental now. (Ha, that sounded funny) Mentally it's been a struggling coming back into American life. I have adapted well, and I think due to the bed rest when I first got home, culture shock was delayed and lightened slightly. However, I still find myself unable to handle American "normalcy's" like I used too! I still get upset over our "petty issues" that get blown out of proportion. I have seen death, I have seen hunger, I have seen another way of life. There are MAJOR issues going on in the world and in the lives of families I know here, life and death in some cases. I have friends who are still homeless over a month after Hurricane Ike and how they can't pick their lives up like everyone else. There are bigger issues in this world and around the corner to worry about then the way she looked at you, the fact that he didn't return your text message, or whether Madonna's husband has a new girlfriend. COME ON PEOPLE!! However, with that, I also find myself in moments diving head first back into the "American life" and the desire and greed of wanting more. I have fallen prey to the consumeristic lifestyle I so long to be free from. I have often times thought I need this certain thing or I need to buy this or do that. I have found money to be a hindrance once again and at times forgot the poverty I saw, remembered what it was like to live with little, and the happiness that came from living in contentment. It has been a battle of what I've always known and what I long to be. It's been a battle of surrendering the familiar to gain the imperishable.

Along with that, emotionally I have been wrecked. One major thing I'm continuously overcoming is authenticity and what that looks like. For so long, I didn't think it was okay to cry, to show venerability, or to struggle. I was told those were weakness and as a Christian and as a leader, weakness and struggle was not allowed to be shown. In some cases, those were not verbal requests (sometimes it was) but it was the example shown to me in previous churches. I was taught that in order to be a "good Christian" you needed to admit you didn't have it all together but never let them see that. You needed to say that words to seem real, but never let them be shown the truth. One of the days at training camp before Swazi, I sat down with Papa Larry and he started revealing these truths to me, revealing to me the lies I've believed for so long and encouraged me to move past that. I attempted on the trip, but I have a lot of walls and it was not easy pulling them down for people I hadn't known long with the mindset I had to hide truth. God knew this is something I have desired to break free from, but understanding I'd never really seen it done. So by his perfect provision, has placed me in a job where authenticity is oozing from the walls. I am surrounded by people who are broken and hurting and struggle; but who's faith in Christ astounds me. He is placing people in my life who desire to get to the core of who I am and are waiting to help me heal. Sometimes the battle of who I want to be, and the example I have always known wage war against me and drag me into a depression; but by the grace of God I don't stay long. I am learning what to do in those moments, how to battle it, and know I can't do it alone. I have friends I can call at any moment of the day or night who are there to speak truth into my life, pray over me, and encourage me to keep going.

Which leads so beautifully into my spiritual well-being. I can say with confidence, that right now in my life, I have a stronger faith than I've ever known before. When I first got home from the trip, I didn't have that fire like I was expecting. I wasn't fired up to go share the gospel with anyone who'd listen, I wasn't at the point where all I wanted to talk about was the cool things God did on my trip. I just wanted to be. At the time, I thought that was selfish and something was wrong. God, however, had other things in mind. Not only was he physically making me rest, after coming off that 2 month spiritual holding cell, I needed to know how to rest in God. Psalm 46:10a says "Be still, and know that I am God." That is something I've had memorized for so long and quoted numerous times, but for the first time I was being forced to do. I found that my fire, my spark, was only going to come through intimacy with Jesus, not spiritual land markers that are a placeholder of what God has done. Yes, God did amazing things in Swazi that I will never forget, but so much more so God is doing amazing things now. He is teaching me to remember what he did, but hold on to what he is doing. He has taught me the benefit of setting aside undistracted time with the Lord and how that is what I need to strive for, not the landmarks. Mission trips are something I want to do many of, but if I'm not learning to rest in God, to trust him, and to catch on fire daily, then a mission trip will not be my end all. It will not be the thing that ignites it; it is the by-product of the fire started here. I have weekly "date nights" with Jesus where I turn off my cell phone, turn off my computer, keep the girls out of my room and spend a couple hours of uninterrupted time just loving on the Father and letting him love on me. It is my time to see Jesus as lover and satisfier of my soul. It is in those moments I find truths that are specific to me. It has become my favorite night of the week.

Life is not perfect. I am still learning, growing, hurting, crying, laughing, enjoying, and being. I have good days and bad days. I have days where life couldn't get better, and days I wish Christ would just come now and take me home. I struggle to find joy and love the way God does. I am still figuring out what being real is. I'm working on figuring out who I am in Christ. I am still battling who I have been and who I am meant to become. However, it will come. I have faith.