Medication?

Isn't it funny how (at least for me) I can go times where I feel I have nothing to say and then others where I feel like so many things (mainly songs) echo the cries of my heart and I want to share. Music has been the words that I can't seem to say recently. Sorry I haven't written more than those lyrics but I feel like they have summed up so much. Today, however, I am convicted of a truth I want to share to hopefully encourage you in case you are in this same place.

If you've been following my blog at all, you know that back in September/October I ended a relationship that was supposed to go on to marriage. In the months since that time, God has confirmed that it was/is best that it ended, however the struggle, the hurt and the emotions don't end overnight. I have been in a constant battle fighting to reclaim the person I was before I lost so much of myself for this relationship. In a post a few months back I posted that there was positive to that relationship and I still believe that. However, through introspection/prayer I have seen that there was equally as much bad going on.

I longed for a marriage relationship so badly that I was willing to lose my identity to fit into the mold this man wanted me to be. I went from strong, confident and sure to insecure, weak and quiet. When I would find strength to walk within my gifting and/or personality, it would produce a fight. Due to that, overtime I just stopped trying in order to save a fight. This man was a interim pastor and bible student, so my daily time with the Lord cease to be and I became dependent on him to feed me spiritually because I had believed the lie that I knew nothing when it came to scripture. When I would pray (which is where I feel the most free, confident and bold), I would hear discussions on how he didn't have the kind of faith I did. Instead of seeing this as a compliment, it was a put down and made me feel guilty for making him feel that way.

Now, I am not trying to paint a negative picture of this man. In fact, if you read my post "Remembering and Dreaming" then you can see some of the good. It is not all false and truly was how I was feeling, but I was unable to look at it objectively at the time. Once again, I am not trying to make this man look bad, but I wanted to give you a tiny glimpse into what I have been processing through.

With that being said, there is a Ross King song (lyrics at the end of the post) that I feel like aptly describes what I've been doing until recently. I have found medication in so many things, even some "good" things, trying to heal from what I had been through. I sought out so many things to numb the pain, but never realized instead of alcohol, drugs or sex (the stereo-typical medication people think of) that serving at church, food/coffee, and community would be just a distracting. I am a picture of medicating with "good" things and missing out on Christ. It wasn't until about 2 weeks ago that this clicked and have been trying to remedy. I am wanting to not only realize this is happening, but repent and turn from the medication and turn TO Christ.

So my encouragement to you; if you are struggling, is take a step back and look at your life. Are you medicating with Christ and the healing/redemptive power of the Spirit? Or are you one of the people in the song below? Turn to Christ. Psalm 147:3 promises that "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Find strength through the finished work of Jesus on the cross.
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A pot of coffee starts his day off right
A cigarette at 10 and 3
A drink or two will get him through the night
It’s simple chemistry

She is a whirlwind of activity
She rarely finds the time to rest
Never too much responsibility
That’s when she’s at her best

Everybody medicates, everybody medicates
And most of us will suffocate beneath the weight
Everybody medicates unless the church becomes a place
Where we are safe and free to say that we’re not OK

He is successful in his line of work
He’s clocking sixty hours a week
He is a leader in his local church
And everybody sees

She’s flipping through the fashion magazines
Before she heads out to the mall
She’s searching for a new identity
Seems like she’s tried them all

Everybody medicates, everybody medicates
And most of us will suffocate beneath the weight
Everybody medicates unless the church becomes a place
Where we are safe and free to say that we’re not OK

One tree
That’s all He keeps from us
And somehow it is driving us insane
Fig leaves have never been enough
To cover up our nakedness and shame
Who are we fooling with this game?

She skips a meal or two and no one knows
It’s been this way for quite a while
She’s finally fitting into last year’s clothes
Too bad they’re out of style

He looks at pictures on the internet
He needs it much more than he should
He’s so surprised no one has caught him yet
He wishes someone would

Everybody medicates, everybody medicates
And most of us will suffocate beneath the weight
Everybody medicates unless the church becomes a place
Where we are safe and free to say that we’re not OK

- Ross King "Everybody Medicates" (Perhaps I've Said Too Much)