Remembering and Dreaming

So, I've been thinking a lot recently about my relationship with Lucas, my hopes and dreams of my husband to come and looked at engaged/married friends. This post may be a bit honest and I hope you can read it without judgment. I am just expressing the thoughts in my head. Some will be working through my emotions, others will be dreaming of my future.

"Wash her in the word." This is a phrase I've heard so many times, and heard at a wedding a few weeks ago. However, I don't know where in scripture it talks about a husband washing his wife in the word. So, you bible scholars that read this, I need your help. Without the scriptural reference however, I have thought about what this means and looks like as I've heard it described. At the wedding of two dear and precious friends of mine, one of the "vows" that man took was to wash his bride in scripture every night, to pray over her, to read scripture to her and with her and nurture her and guide her through scripture. I have started thinking about how badly I want that. Let me say, Lucas did well in a lot of this. He taught me a lot about scripture and we talked about it in every conversation. He would share with me what he was learning and encouraged me to dig deeper. It was something I cherish so much and will always hold onto. One thing that I long for though is more praying over. I connect with God through prayer and I feel closest to those around me when I can engage in prayer with them. I feel like prayer can be a very bonding thing and it is something I want more of in my next relationship. I know I am gifted in prayer, I love it so much and God has given me a great desire to connect with him in that manner in the same way others feel about scripture or music or a variety of other methods to connect with the Father. I say this not pridefully, but knowing a lot of Godly men struggle in the area of prayer, especially when it comes to praying with others. I don't know why. It seems like most prayer groups are made up of more women than men. This is not to "dog" on men, just an observation. Yet, realizing that I want to find one of the men who is strong in this area. I want a man who will boldly pray over me and with me and that I will not be the one leading in that area all the time.

"Sing over me." Please hear me when I say that I am NOT gifted musically. I come from a very musically gifted family, but that talent skipped over me. I can, in very rare moments, sing a note on key, but that is a VERY rare moment. That being said, I love music. I may not be talented in it, but I'm passionate about it. This is the other way I connect the most with the Father. I am also extremely drawn to musicians because I find so much passion in musicians that seems to be released when exercising in that gifting. Some of the "swooning" moments I had with Lucas was when he had his guitar. 9 times out of 10, I was just as captivated by the notes as he was. It was extremely attractive to me when I would see him lead worship in front of a group or sit in his living room strumming random songs that came to his mind. I was enthralled with him in those moments. This is something I want in my husband to be. Someone whom I can worship through song with. Someone who can lead in this manner. In a selfish way, a man who is so consumed with the songs that he isn't paying attention to my singing. :) I long for moments of sitting together and just worshiping together and the beautiful moments that will be made.

There was a lot of good in my relationship with Lucas and I find a number of moments where I miss him more than words. I did/do love him so much. He is an amazing, Godly man. However, I am also at peace knowing that it was the Lord that brought us together and the Lord that separated us. We are amazing as best friends and not glorifying to God in a romantic relationship. That is one of the ways I find comfort when I miss him so badly. With that though, I also find so much hope in the man God is preparing for me to spend my life with.