Waiting for my life to begin...

I feel like I am always waiting on my life to begin. Like I am 25 and my life is no different than it was 10 years ago. Sure, that is not entirely true especially given the fact that I am now living on my own, but only 1.5 months ago, that wasn’t the case. Just replace school with work and there you go.

I hate living this way. I have had moments of grandeur, but never (what I feel) is life altering. I always fall back into the rut. I always end up wondering if there is more out there for me. I ask and pray hoping that this is not the extent of what my life will be.

I have recently been pondering the idea of going to Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry (BSSM) in Redding, CA. There is so much appealing about it and most important, it was be a 100% new start and what could be the beginning of my life. As my friend Christi put it, “you don’t hear 80 year olds talking about the time in their 20’s they sold everything and moved to California as the most horrible, awful and worst decision ever. No, that is when they say their life began.” That thought is so appealing.

I am wresting, praying, and talking to many people about this decision. 97% of the people I talk to about it are telling me to abandon it all and take the leap of faith. To throw caution to the wind and go for it. However, that 3% that is more concerned (not saying no, just concerned) are the 3% who know me the best. The people who know me inside and out. The people who probably know me better than I know myself. Because of that, I am extremely unsure of what to do. I am heeding their warnings and as my truly amazing best friend pointed out, I start getting in a groove somewhere and feel myself getting in a rut and want to run to the next adventure hoping it will be the one instead of just pressing into the moment and seeing if there is an adventure waiting around the corner I’m not giving time to develop.

So I have to think; maybe God has kept me in an area I loath (rich, Christian bubble), “going through the motions” because there is an undiscovered adventure waiting. Maybe my life isn’t going to be able the HUGE moments, but living in the little ones. Maybe I need to start embracing the life I’m living and look for the little victories, the little journeys and the little moments where my life is currently happening.

See, that sounds so simple. That sounds like such a great answer. It is just executing that into every day monotony that is the problem. My life is wake up, get coffee, go to work, come home and going through the typical routine of evening (Monday: Rachel comes over, Tuesday: babysit the twins, Wednesday: community group, etc), come home, shower, sleep and repeat. How do I find the adventure in those moments. My life is very structured. I am mildly OCD in that. I like to have a plan, I like to a schedule and I like routine; but those are the things I get so frustrated with. This is the shell I can’t break out of.

I do know, I want to celebrate the little victories more often. In fact, my two (2) goals for the next year (that I really hope to accomplish) is:

1. Get out of debt
2. Reach my goal weight

Within the next three (3) years, I hope to be in a house. My own house. In a perfect world it will be with a husband, but at this moment, today, I’m not seeing that happening, so I will be satisfied even if it’s just me.

I am just rambling at this point. I just know, I am tired of waiting on life to start. *sigh*